the cake or the diet?

I took a few minutes at lunch to listen to Baltimore talk radio, which I never do. I guess it's my age. Or my desire to become wiser. Or just my desire to become less bored. Whatever my reason, I did it. I listened.

The one comment that stuck with me came from a man who was a former Marine, apparently a non-believer (his words), and who admitted to openly weeping in his conference room at work yesterday when Obama was sworn in. At that point, I was intrigued. His comment went something like this...(paraphrasing)...

"Obama's speech was like the diet and exercise plan. So, now that we have it, do we go eat cake?"

Basically, the whole conversation was about what WE are expected to do to make our country better. If we have this great idea set before us, yet choose to continue walking a path of selfishness and mistrust, we are in no better shape than we were 2 days ago. As a country, we are putting a lot of hope in a man...in a dream. But, the reality of it is that it is going to take every person doing a little bit more...going one step farther...

I liked this caller's challenge. He was inspired, yet knew that inspiration would only go so far. When the rubber meets the road, is the rubber our running shoes? Are we (ME) ready to dig in and make a difference? I think that's what President Obama is asking us to do. Regardless of what political beliefs you hold, you (I) are responsible for serving your God and your fellow man well. Especially if you say you love Jesus and follow His teachings.

So, what are you willing to do to go that extra step? And, I'm really asking. 'Cause I'm looking for ways to expand my world, challenge my status quo, walk an extra mile in someone else's shoes. Love with excellence and in abundance.

tonight I was reminded.

Tonight, God very clearly said, "Michele, do not get so caught up in your life that you miss MY story."

It is easy for me to get weighed down with all the details of this life I am living, figuring out the next steps, looking for the road ahead. I forget that I am ON the journey and God is showing me the Good Life...if only I would pause and remember...and then walk with Him.

Tonight, we remembered the Passion World Tour. Seeing the faces from all over the world...I was reminded, again, of what an incredible journey I have been a part of....and still continue to be. Why do I let my world get so small? Why do I assume I know what is best...that I have all of my best interests at heart? I need these reminders to ground me in Christ and His unfailing love, His unfailing strength, His unending mercy and grace, and His timeless truth and heart for His people.

Tonight, I was reminded. And that is a very good thing.

when life doesn't make sense

"Come to Me with a teachable spirit, eager to be changed. A close walk with Me is a life of continual newness. Do not cling to old ways as you step into a new year. Instead, seek My Face with an open mind, knowing that your journey with Me involves being transformed by the renewing of your mind. As you focus your thoughts on Me, be aware that I am fully attentive to you. I see you with a steady eye, because my attention span is infinite. I know and understand you completely; My thoughts embrace you in everlasting Love. I also know the plans I have for you: plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Give yourself fully to this adventure of increasing attentiveness to My Presence."

~ from Sarah Young's Jesus Calling

As I begin 2009, I find myself somewhere unexpected. Abstract as well as physical. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings to sort through, sift through, work through. I must confess that I'd rather be anywhere but this place.

So, I lean on the only One who has already been there, is here, and is where I am going.

sigh

As I was driving home last night, I was listening to a Brooke Fraser song that seemed to strike a chord deep inside me...

C.S. Lewis Song

If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here
If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary,
Then of course I'll feel nude when to where I'm destined I'm compared

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan as I wait for hope to come for me

Am I lost or just less found? On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?
Is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
Cause my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan as I wait for hope to come for me

For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming for me


...even more so today.

my weekend & my life

I had the BEST weekend! It might have had to do with the fact that it was ridiculously warm and sunny here all weekend. Or, that Stephen and I spent all day Saturday at the Inner Harbor/Fells Point walking around and just generally seeing the sights (see flaming fire juggler guy pic below). Or that I went pumpkin picking and hay-riding with Matt, Jenn, Mark Allen, Matt and Dana today and then had some yummy dinner after. Probably, it was all of it combined together...the trifecta of a great weekend.

I would like for there to be more weekends like this...although I'm not sure the weather will cooperate. I am fairly certain that I am 15% starting to adapt to life in Maryland. Haha...sounds like a really strong statement, huh? I think that number will jump considerably higher once I move into my new place in November. As much as I don't want to be attached to the "things" of this world, it will be refreshing to have my stuff around me...to set up my home. I have some really cool stuff and pictures from Kenya, Uganda, and Zanzibar that I am excited to decorate with!

Anyway, I was thinking tonight that this is the first place I have moved that I didn't have this overwhelming desire to move to before I decided to move. Hmmm...does that make sense? For instance, Nashville - wanted to move there (all 3 times!) VERY MUCH before I actually moved there. Same with Atlanta. But Maryland...never said, "I REALLY want to live in Maryland!", either before I was born (ha ha) or this past year. Here's the kicker, though: As much as I want to balk at being here sometimes, I've honestly never felt like I'm supposed to be somewhere in a time more than I do now. Obviously (because I say it a lot), I still have a hard time not being in Atlanta or Nashville (more so because I miss my friends), but I know this is part of the journey God has been taking me on. So, here I am in Maryland. Eventually I'll just get over it and stop talking about it. I'm thinking maybe December 12th-ish.

But what a great weekend!!! :O)

sometimes i must write.

Sometimes I just need to write. I have so many things going on in my head that it helps to put them down on paper...well, computer. But some thoughts don't need to go on the web, lest people think I'm really crazy. So, I just type and type and then I feel like I have a better grip on life.

I also like to drive around and listen to music. And if I really need to get it all out, I put in some music where I can just dust off the vocal cords and go for it. Today was a great day to do that. 2 hours of driving around most of 2 different counties. It didn't hurt that I was also on the hunt for a potential place to live! The temperature was perfect and just one or two clouds in the sky.

Anyway, back to writing. I actually started a book years ago. The topic doesn't matter because it was dumb and I think I trashed it. But, it was very therapeutic. I might try it again. I'm not sure what I would write about, though. Maybe I'll start brainstorming ideas. Not that anyone would buy it, but I can think of 2 or 3 people that would read it (2 of them being my parents). :O)

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"do you believe in beauty, freedom, truth, love?" ~ moulin rouge

how do you start over?

I find myself a bit melancholic today. I'm guessing it has to do with the fact that I would normally be spending Saturday afternoons watching football with the roomies...and now I'm sitting in my room trying to figure out what to do today.

I'm anxious to start my new job on Monday...to get back into a "normal" pattern. Being jobless for the past 2 months (or 4, if you count the tour and Africa as "unemployment") has been a bit rough. Obviously, if you know me, you know that I'm someone who likes to be doing stuff, have control over things, know what's happening, etc. This has been a different and interesting season of learning to let go. Whether I have actually learned to do that...still figuring that out.

I'm also realizing that it's been a LONG time since I've had to kind of start over from scratch in building community. As much as I want it to happen, I know the process involved is not easy...especially here where finding a church is not like finding a church in Atlanta or Nashville. It's just going to take some time. And patience.

So, I'm just having one of those days. The kind where I miss my friends.

perspective shift

So it seems most of my thoughts come from or center around things I've been reading lately....I guess that's ok. At least they aren't based on what I've been watching on TV. :O)

That said, I'm reading this INCREDIBLE book called In A Pit With a Lion on a Snowy Day by Mark Batterson. (Thanks, Lawlor.) Not that I really have any reason to question God's timing (particularly at this junction in my life), but if I were to ever have read THE book at THE right time...this is it. I seriously want to go out and buy this book for everyone I know. (If you get a copy in the mail, I went ahead and did that, just FYI.)

The premise of this book is "how to survive and thrive when opportunity roars". Yet, it really goes WAY beyond that. I have to tell you...my mind is being cracked open a bit...maybe even blown apart a bit. I think what got me last night when I was reading was the whole concept of a perspective shift. This is something I have been dealing with for a while...just didn't really know it until I was able to get a solid definition...see it in print...wrap my brain around it...understand what God was truly trying to say to me in it. Anyway, I won't go into detail about the whole perspective shift I'm going through, but it's just a super encouraging time. And really, who doesn't need encouragement every once in a while?! :O)

So, on the off chance I don't buy copies of the book for everyone I know and love, GO GET A COPY FOR YOURSELF...

a needed reminder

I don't have much time to blog this morning as I am getting ready to drive into the city (Baltimore) for my second interview at the relief agency. I have a lot to blog about, though, so hopefully I can catch up later today...

But, I wanted to post this because it was a reminder I received this morning and thought it might be an encouragement for others. My trust factor has been down lately and God has been so incredibly faithful to help slowly rebuild it. As I was doing a quick update on my mom's computer, I picked up her little pocket Bible and flipped to the Psalms to read a bit. This is what God had for me this morning...

"We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you." Psalm 33.20-22

My prayer today is that I will continue to wait in hope.

there are days.

Have you ever had those days when you felt like your head was disconnected from your body? Yeah...I'm having one of those months. There are days when I wish life would just go back to easy...but, then where would the fun and adventure be? Ha.

So, here I sit in a coffee shop in Baltimore. I can't really say it's my favorite because it's one of the only ones I actually know in the city. But, it will never leave my top 5, that's for sure. A friend introduced me to it several years ago...it's this fun little place that serves amazing food (and a lot of it vegan or vegetarian), great coffee and tea, and beer for when the mood hits. So, basically my kind of place. The vibe is great because it's right near the corner of Johns Hopkins, yet in an artsy area of town. I look around and see all sorts of people. Probably the same type of folk I'd see hanging out at one of my favorite places in Nashville. Therefore, I am happy.

I haven't been blogging much lately because I feel like there is nothing in my head that is worth sharing or maybe there is too much in my head to share. Either way, I've let the silence take over. So, I'm playing catch up. To bring things up to speed: I've decided to stay in Maryland indefinitely, have an interview with a refugee relief agency on Tuesday (in Baltimore), and then am leaving for Nashville and Atlanta on Tuesday night or Wednesday for a week and a half or so to "get away". There is so much more behind all of that, but that's best told in a conversation and not over the www.

Anyway, back to the coffee shop. One World Cafe (in case you are ever in Baltimore). I don't know why I'm so stuck on it. I think it's because it's one of the first things I've done since I've been in Maryland that seems normal to me. Living with my parents - not normal. Not having a job - not normal. Not being in the Duke House and around my friends - not normal. Going through all of these changes at once after being in Uganda for 2 months - not normal. SO, sitting in a coffee shop in the city listening to interesting people having interesting conversations - SUPER NORMAL. And, as silly or trivial as it seems...it illuminates my ability to see how God continues to provide His version of peace (not mine), regardless of the circumstances or situations...which is something I really need to see right now.

Lately, I have been struggling with fear. It's a really weird thing for me because I do not remember a time in my life (more than the occasional instance of fright) where I was fearful of something. The weird thing is, I can't even put my finger on something specific that I'm fearful of. And I've been doing nothing but pray about it. So, I started looking through the Bible to see what God has to say about fear. Have you ever researched the word "fear" in the Bible? Have fun with that. You will be reading for days. Needless to say, I think that I'm on the right path. God, obviously, has something to say to me...I just need to get past my stubbornness and listen.

So, there's my blah blah blah for the evening. It's starting to get a little loud...guess it's the rowdy "vegan beer" crowd. I love it. :O) I just had the most amazing Organic Rooibos tea and a vegan carrot cupcake. Tomorrow, I will go back to eating hard-boiled eggs.

'Night. From the big city.

the glory of God...and then me.

I've been reading Francis Chan's new book, Crazy Love, as of late. I picked up a copy after getting to spend a little bit of time with Francis and Lisa (his wife) in Kampala on the Passion World Tour. Talk about a seriously interesting couple. I wish I could have spent days with them. They have a heart for Uganda (among everything else they are passionate about) and are just two of the coolest people I have ever met. In the brief moments I was able to talk to them, they both made an impression on me that will have a lasting effect. And so, when I got back to Atlanta, I went and bought Francis' book that had just come out. And yep...it does a pretty good job of expressing the passion I saw and felt in the time I was with them. So, that's my plug for Crazy Love. Go get it. It's not a big book, so don't be intimidated. :O)

Something that I have been learning about lately is the glory of God. (And, that's why I referenced the book...just so it doesn't seem like a random intro...read the book, you will get it.) During the few months that I was working at Buckhead Church and working for Passion (those long, crazy weeks....), it sometimes felt that I was just working to work. That everything I was doing was just meaningless. But then there would be these moments when God would gently (or not so gently) remind me/show me that what I was doing was not for my benefit. It was a part of His story, something He was working out for His glory. And then I actually went on the Passion World Tour and those moments just became amplified and in my face. To be honest, those moments are sometimes not easy to take...you realize how ridiculous your doubt was/is in the face of God's glory, mercy, grace, and love. And at the same time, you just take it all in and let it wash over you....freeing you from that doubt. Crazy. What an amazing journey it was...and continues to be.

Now, the moments are much quieter. Not so large. But they are still there. The glory of God is still so evident. I see more and more of His story and less and less of mine. That is my desire and prayer. That MY life be less and HIS story be all the more clear. No matter what that means.

after the break from reality...

annnnddddd, I'm back. Ok, so I only had a temporary break from my sanity this morning. I'm definitely back on track...probably just needed to walk it out, talk it out.

So, I'm really not as freaked out about all this change as my last post sounded. I actually had a really great afternoon and some encouraging emails (not that I needed anything to happen to be encouraged), but it was encouraging nonetheless.

Here's a quick update:

1. I found a house in East Nashville that I really like and it is reasonable and cute and blah blah blah. I'm talking to the girl about renting it in September. So, let the process begin.

2. I am beginning the job hunt with some good "starters". I am also developing a back-up plan should nothing come through in the long-term job search.

So, that's it. Not sure if either of the 2 will actually work out, but it's a start at getting things in order and trying to decipher where God is leading. Cause I think it's Nashville...just gotta keep focusing in...

change.

I think there was a time not too long ago when I said I liked change. I'm not sure it's gotten to the point where I don't like change anymore, but more that I feel I can't get out of this season of change...and it's a bit overwhelming right now. I'm not even sure I can correctly put into words what I'm thinking!

I think the only thing I CAN say is that I have absolutely no idea what I am doing right now. My head feels like it is constantly running on a hamster wheel and I feel like I need to be doing something to make it stop...just not sure what. So, I usually put my headphones on and start walking.

So, here's the deal: I need a job, a place to live...not too much to ask, eh? If you have any good suggestions, I'm all ears. But, please...don't confuse me anymore. :O) I'm looking at Nashville for now. It's a start.

reconnecting

I am getting the opportunity to reconnect and it is refreshing after being away for so long. Amazing conversations with amazing people. God is definitely stirring something in the hearts of several of my closest friends and I am excited to see where the movement leads...

That's about all I have at this point. I'm sure I'll have more to post once I leave Nashville and can reflect back on my time here. For the next few days, though, I am just going to enjoy being around old friends and listening to God's whisper.

shattered expectations and a shout out.

God is shattering my expectations. And I'm completely fine with that. In fact, I am ready for more.

I was riding around last night in northeastern Maryland and was thinking (well, said aloud) that I could never live here because I think I would go absolutely crazy not being connected to anything I was familiar with.

By the time I went to bed, though, I had realized that...hello...my entire family is here. What's not FAMILIAR about that. I'm not saying that I'm moving to Maryland. But, I'm just saying that I'm no longer saying I would NEVER move back to Maryland. I'm also saying I would still consider staying in Atlanta, as well as definitely consider moving back to Nashville.

So, you see where my mind is these days?

But, God is continuing to crack at the walls of the box I have put my life in. It's pretty interesting when expectations are shattered because you finally can breathe easily. At least I can. I no longer have to think about the "what ifs" or the "do you think it could happen" or "oh dear God, please don't ask me to do that". I just wait and listen. I'm not hearing much beyond the peace of stillness. That's cool. At least for now.

And, oh...the shout out. I promised. Good job on the parallel parking on the opposite side of the road, Weaver.

I was reminded...

A friend sent this to me last week and I just happened to open the email and see it this morning...

Habakkuk 3:17-19

17 Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,

18 yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.

19 The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to go on the heights.

A good reminder to me this morning that I will rejoice in the Lord, no matter my circumstances, no matter my uncertainty. The thing I always take away from being in Africa is the joy that people have despite their lack of material goods...despite their lack of a "future" in the sense of what we consider a future here in the US. I need to remember that joy...it is a joy rooted in God, my Savior.

What a long journey...

...from Africa to the USA. This time two weeks ago, I was actually in a taxi in Zanzibar frantically driving to the ATM trying to get money out to pay our taxi driver. Wow. Hard to believe what can happen in two weeks time. Let me recap since I've been a slacker:

- Zanzibar Island (which was amazing...make sure you check out my pictures)
- Back to Uganda for 2 days to pack up and say goodbye (miss you Renee, Jeff & Christine...amazing how you can make such great connections with people in such a short time)
- Back to Atlanta via Amsterdam (Big Mac for breakfast in Amsterdam)
- Spent some GREAT time with the Duke House roomies for 5 days. They loved on me and spoiled me rotten. I managed to play Rock Band every day for ridiculous amounts of time. Also got to visit a lot of friends from my "old job" at Buckhead/North Point. (That's weird to say!!!) Kicked it with the Passion peeps for a bit, too. I guess it doesn't really seem like former anything when those people are like family to you.
- Made the long drive to Maryland to spend an extended time with the family in Aberdeen. Which is where I am right now.

So, I'll stop bullet-pointing everything now. :O) I'm currently sitting on the bed in my room at my parents' house. It is one of 2 air-conditioned rooms in the house. Comes in handy for the days and nights when the heat index soars into the 100's. Delightful. Midi (Schmoo Bear) is passed out on the bed next to me, pretty much taking up the whole bed....she will get booted to the side here in a bit when I go to sleep.

I guess I wanted to blog because I hadn't in a while and this is one of the first times I've been able to actually blog from the site and not the old blackberry. Yes, I went and stood in line for 4 hours and bought the new iPhone 3G. Everyone knew I would, so I'm sure no one is really surprised. I'm just BUMMED SERIOUSLY to find out AT&T didn't update their international plan. So, I STILL can't use the stupid thing in Uganda. Freakin A, AT&T. We are going to have a go-around about this!!!!

Anyway, that's not what I wanted to blog about. A lot of you know that I'm in this state of "what am I doing with my life?" Just so you know, that hasn't changed. If anything, I'm more than ever at the point where I feel like I should fall on my face and say, "Jesus, I need You right now." And, that's what I'm doing. But, to be honest, I don't even know what to pray for. I came to a realization tonight that I am at a really selfish point in my life. I am selfish in my desires to want to try and understand my life, understand where I'm supposed to be, what I'm supposed to do, and on and on and on. I know I'm not alone in this. I know we all go through this time in our lives...and probably more than once. So, I know I must turn to Scripture and turn to prayer.

I was listening to a favorite song...it's a song that became a favorite this past year and is very familiar in the Passion family. Part of it says,

"Heal my heart and make it clean.
Open up my eyes to the things unseen.
Show me how to love like You have loved me.
Break my heart for what breaks Yours.
Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause,
As I walk from earth into eternity."

Everything I am...how I long to say that and yet how so far away I am. I feel broken, but not broken to the point where I feel like I can be molded. I feel completely useless and completely selfish, yet want to overcome so that my brokenness is no longer a selfish place of wanting, but a selfless place of complete hope in Jesus.

And so here I sit in Maryland. I am headed to Nashville this Friday for 6 days to reconnect with friends and do some potential job hunting. I'm also not closing any doors in Atlanta. Just trying to be open to whatever God might show me. My heart knows that I don't need to be "perfect" for God to use me. My head just needs to get back into the groove. I have a few books that I'm hoping will jump start my thinking. I'm such a thinker that is continually over-thinking, over-analyzing everything that it will be good to make my mind go through the paces. I could just use some prayer, though, as I struggle through this time.

Sorry for the long post...and for the stream of consciousness crap....if you even read this far, I should send you a blow-pop. :O)

oh snap

God said, "Bizzle...you thought you knew what was going to happen."

Bizzle said, "God, I'm dumb. Just give it to me. Bring it on."

Oh yeah, He brought it.

What I thought was a my-plans-were-falling-apart-kind-of-life-changing-moment turned out to be a God-was-just-showing-me-that-He-had-something-going-on-that-
was-going-to-kick-my-plan's-butt!

Or, to rephrase: I thought I was going to Kenya this summer to do "something to be determined and to stay somewhere to be determined". I found out Saturday afternoon that it wasn't happening. I was crushed/devestated/emotionally unable to deal. By Sunday evening, I already had a place to stay in Uganda, a project to work on, and knew exactly who, where, when and what.

How's that for thinking my plans were better than God's? He only needed a few hours to make it happen.

Dang, He's good.

sometimes i just need to get away.

There are times when life seems to get too overwhelming. When I get so completely frustrated by the things around me, by the actions and attitudes of people...I just want to get away. Most of the time, I have the ability to do that and life seems right again.

At this time in my life, though, I don't have the ability to do that. It would mean dropping the ball on a lot of things that a lot of other people need me to keep holding up. So, what do I do? I know me...I'm getting ready to go loco on somebody or something. If we're all lucky, it will be something like a long run. But, who knows.

Suggestions, anyone? It seems my only "time away" is coming in the form of drives to and from work. Windows down, music up. Just doesn't last very long, though, and the email and phone still follow.

ARGH. I can't wait to go to Africa.

so, maybe it's time for an update...

I feel like I've been so busy lately that I haven't taken any time to really keep up with anybody, which is a dumb move on my part. So, at least I can do a quick update on my blog for those of you that I haven't actually gotten the chance to connect with lately!

Where to start? Let's just jump right in...

As of May 12, I will no longer be employed at Buckhead Church. After a little over a year of being here (and what an amazing year it has been!), I am moving on to pursue other opportunities. For the past couple of months, I've been working with the Passion World Tour team to help prepare for the upcoming tour which is set to kick off in Kyiv, Ukraine on May 16th. In addition to all the logistics I've been helping with, I'm also on the Ukraine team and helping with the Uganda team. So, on May 12, I jump on a plane for Kyiv.

From there, I will be headed to....Stockholm, London, Uganda...and then probably Kenya.

I have the opportunity to potentially spend some extended time in Kenya helping an organization called BrightPoint for Children. Details of what I will be doing are still in the works and the whole trip, itself, is subject to change based on their needs. But, what an amazing opportunity it is...I am anxiously awaiting and praying through everything that is ahead on the road before me. God has astounded me with dreams and desires that I did not know I could have!

So, I know that is such a "big picture" of what lies ahead...but, that's where I am right now. I'll keep you posted as I find out more of what is to come. A lot of other big changes are going on right now, too, so if you would "say a little prayer for me", I'd SO appreciate it. I'm ok with the not knowing...I just want to be sure I'm walking the path I'm supposed to be walking!

Oh, and thanks for all the compliments on the haircut...I'm still getting used to it. :O)