what a beautiful song

I sang this song today...and it's a song I have sung many times...but, the words permeated today...

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I’m fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.

Sorrowing I shall be in spirit,
Till released from flesh and sin,
Yet from what I do inherit,
Here Thy praises I’ll begin;
Here I raise my Ebenezer;
Here by Thy great help I’ve come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.

Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood;
How His kindness yet pursues me
Mortal tongue can never tell,
Clothed in flesh, till death shall loose me
I cannot proclaim it well.

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

O that day when freed from sinning,
I shall see Thy lovely face;
Clothed then in blood washed linen
How I’ll sing Thy sovereign grace;
Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,
Take my ransomed soul away;
Send thine angels now to carry
Me to realms of endless day.

Written in 1758 by Robert Robinson.

sigh

As I was driving home last night, I was listening to a Brooke Fraser song that seemed to strike a chord deep inside me...

C.S. Lewis Song

If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here
If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary,
Then of course I'll feel nude when to where I'm destined I'm compared

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan as I wait for hope to come for me

Am I lost or just less found? On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?
Is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
Cause my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan as I wait for hope to come for me

For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming for me


...even more so today.

a really weird morning.

So, I was on the bus this morning...and annoyed because it was late...and people were standing everywhere because the bus before didn't show up. I had a seat because I was early (supposed to be on the bus that didn't show). Lucky me, I guess.

Anyway. I digress. There's this girl (young, probably mid-20's) standing next to me in the aisle. She answers her phone (which I find kind of annoying in public spaces, particularly transportation). All of the sudden, though, she kind of yells, "NO! Where?" and then proceeds to start sobbing and hits the floor. Oh my gosh, what happened. Everyone is kind of looking at her and wondering what to do. I immediately put my hand on her while she is talking and then help her up once she gets off the phone. I finally get her into my seat and she tells us that her husband just called and said her brother-in-law, who is an FBI agent in Pittsburgh, had just been shot and was being Medivac-lifted to the hospital. Sam is his name. That's the only name I got from her this morning, but on that bus, I was praying hard for Sam and his family.

The girl's husband was going to drive into the city and get her, but can you imagine being trapped on a bus and getting news like that? I'm glad there were a few of us around her that actually cared enough to reach out and touch her....literally. By the time she got off the bus, she had calmed down and was making plans to get to Pittsburgh to be with her sister.

As I entered my building this morning, I ran into a co-worker and gave him the quick story because I was a little freaked out by it all. He just stopped by my desk and asked if I had seen the news. "What news?" His next words break my heart for Sam's family...."An FBI agent was killed in Pittsburgh." Man. I don't know her name, but my heart and my prayers go out for my bus companion and Sam's family.

I just found the story online: FBI Agent Slain Serving Drug Warrant

What a weird morning.

a needed reminder

I don't have much time to blog this morning as I am getting ready to drive into the city (Baltimore) for my second interview at the relief agency. I have a lot to blog about, though, so hopefully I can catch up later today...

But, I wanted to post this because it was a reminder I received this morning and thought it might be an encouragement for others. My trust factor has been down lately and God has been so incredibly faithful to help slowly rebuild it. As I was doing a quick update on my mom's computer, I picked up her little pocket Bible and flipped to the Psalms to read a bit. This is what God had for me this morning...

"We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you." Psalm 33.20-22

My prayer today is that I will continue to wait in hope.

there are days.

Have you ever had those days when you felt like your head was disconnected from your body? Yeah...I'm having one of those months. There are days when I wish life would just go back to easy...but, then where would the fun and adventure be? Ha.

So, here I sit in a coffee shop in Baltimore. I can't really say it's my favorite because it's one of the only ones I actually know in the city. But, it will never leave my top 5, that's for sure. A friend introduced me to it several years ago...it's this fun little place that serves amazing food (and a lot of it vegan or vegetarian), great coffee and tea, and beer for when the mood hits. So, basically my kind of place. The vibe is great because it's right near the corner of Johns Hopkins, yet in an artsy area of town. I look around and see all sorts of people. Probably the same type of folk I'd see hanging out at one of my favorite places in Nashville. Therefore, I am happy.

I haven't been blogging much lately because I feel like there is nothing in my head that is worth sharing or maybe there is too much in my head to share. Either way, I've let the silence take over. So, I'm playing catch up. To bring things up to speed: I've decided to stay in Maryland indefinitely, have an interview with a refugee relief agency on Tuesday (in Baltimore), and then am leaving for Nashville and Atlanta on Tuesday night or Wednesday for a week and a half or so to "get away". There is so much more behind all of that, but that's best told in a conversation and not over the www.

Anyway, back to the coffee shop. One World Cafe (in case you are ever in Baltimore). I don't know why I'm so stuck on it. I think it's because it's one of the first things I've done since I've been in Maryland that seems normal to me. Living with my parents - not normal. Not having a job - not normal. Not being in the Duke House and around my friends - not normal. Going through all of these changes at once after being in Uganda for 2 months - not normal. SO, sitting in a coffee shop in the city listening to interesting people having interesting conversations - SUPER NORMAL. And, as silly or trivial as it seems...it illuminates my ability to see how God continues to provide His version of peace (not mine), regardless of the circumstances or situations...which is something I really need to see right now.

Lately, I have been struggling with fear. It's a really weird thing for me because I do not remember a time in my life (more than the occasional instance of fright) where I was fearful of something. The weird thing is, I can't even put my finger on something specific that I'm fearful of. And I've been doing nothing but pray about it. So, I started looking through the Bible to see what God has to say about fear. Have you ever researched the word "fear" in the Bible? Have fun with that. You will be reading for days. Needless to say, I think that I'm on the right path. God, obviously, has something to say to me...I just need to get past my stubbornness and listen.

So, there's my blah blah blah for the evening. It's starting to get a little loud...guess it's the rowdy "vegan beer" crowd. I love it. :O) I just had the most amazing Organic Rooibos tea and a vegan carrot cupcake. Tomorrow, I will go back to eating hard-boiled eggs.

'Night. From the big city.

psalm 37

really, that's all...psalm 37. :O) (well, I highlighted two phrases which I think are very challenging, at least to me...but, really. that's it.)

written by David.

1-2 Don't bother your head with braggarts or wish you could succeed like the wicked.
In no time they'll shrivel like grass clippings
and wilt like cut flowers in the sun.

3-4 Get insurance with God and do a good deed,
settle down and stick to your last.
Keep company with God,
get in on the best.

5-6 Open up before God, keep nothing back;
he'll do whatever needs to be done:
He'll validate your life in the clear light of day
and stamp you with approval at high noon.

7 Quiet down before God,
be prayerful before him.
Don't bother with those who climb the ladder,
who elbow their way to the top.

8-9 Bridle your anger, trash your wrath,
cool your pipes—it only makes things worse.
Before long the crooks will be bankrupt;
God-investors will soon own the store.

10-11 Before you know it, the wicked will have had it;
you'll stare at his once famous place and—nothing!
Down-to-earth people will move in and take over,
relishing a huge bonanza.

12-13 Bad guys have it in for the good guys,
obsessed with doing them in.
But God isn't losing any sleep; to him
they're a joke with no punch line.

14-15 Bullies brandish their swords,
pull back on their bows with a flourish.
They're out to beat up on the harmless,
or mug that nice man out walking his dog.
A banana peel lands them flat on their faces—
slapstick figures in a moral circus.

16-17 Less is more and more is less.
One righteous will outclass fifty wicked,
For the wicked are moral weaklings
but the righteous are God-strong.

18-19 God keeps track of the decent folk;
what they do won't soon be forgotten.
In hard times, they'll hold their heads high;
when the shelves are bare, they'll be full.

20 God-despisers have had it;
God's enemies are finished—
Stripped bare like vineyards at harvest time,
vanished like smoke in thin air.

21-22 Wicked borrows and never returns;
Righteous gives and gives.
Generous gets it all in the end;
Stingy is cut off at the pass.

23-24 Stalwart walks in step with God;
his path blazed by God, he's happy.
If he stumbles, he's not down for long;
God has a grip on his hand.

25-26 I once was young, now I'm a graybeard—
not once have I seen an abandoned believer,
or his kids out roaming the streets.
Every day he's out giving and lending,
his children making him proud.

27-28 Turn your back on evil,
work for the good and don't quit.
God loves this kind of thing,
never turns away from his friends.

28-29 Live this way and you've got it made,
but bad eggs will be tossed out.
The good get planted on good land
and put down healthy roots.

30-31 Righteous chews on wisdom like a dog on a bone,
rolls virtue around on his tongue.
His heart pumps God's Word like blood through his veins;
his feet are as sure as a cat's.

32-33 Wicked sets a watch for Righteous,
he's out for the kill.
God, alert, is also on watch—
Wicked won't hurt a hair of his head.

34 Wait passionately for God,
don't leave the path.
He'll give you your place in the sun
while you watch the wicked lose it.

35-36 I saw Wicked bloated like a toad,
croaking pretentious nonsense.
The next time I looked there was nothing—
a punctured bladder, vapid and limp.

37-38 Keep your eye on the healthy soul,
scrutinize the straight life;
There's a future
in strenuous wholeness.
But the willful will soon be discarded;
insolent souls are on a dead-end street.

39-40 The spacious, free life is from God,
it's also protected and safe.
God-strengthened, we're delivered from evil—
when we run to him, he saves us.

the glory of God...and then me.

I've been reading Francis Chan's new book, Crazy Love, as of late. I picked up a copy after getting to spend a little bit of time with Francis and Lisa (his wife) in Kampala on the Passion World Tour. Talk about a seriously interesting couple. I wish I could have spent days with them. They have a heart for Uganda (among everything else they are passionate about) and are just two of the coolest people I have ever met. In the brief moments I was able to talk to them, they both made an impression on me that will have a lasting effect. And so, when I got back to Atlanta, I went and bought Francis' book that had just come out. And yep...it does a pretty good job of expressing the passion I saw and felt in the time I was with them. So, that's my plug for Crazy Love. Go get it. It's not a big book, so don't be intimidated. :O)

Something that I have been learning about lately is the glory of God. (And, that's why I referenced the book...just so it doesn't seem like a random intro...read the book, you will get it.) During the few months that I was working at Buckhead Church and working for Passion (those long, crazy weeks....), it sometimes felt that I was just working to work. That everything I was doing was just meaningless. But then there would be these moments when God would gently (or not so gently) remind me/show me that what I was doing was not for my benefit. It was a part of His story, something He was working out for His glory. And then I actually went on the Passion World Tour and those moments just became amplified and in my face. To be honest, those moments are sometimes not easy to take...you realize how ridiculous your doubt was/is in the face of God's glory, mercy, grace, and love. And at the same time, you just take it all in and let it wash over you....freeing you from that doubt. Crazy. What an amazing journey it was...and continues to be.

Now, the moments are much quieter. Not so large. But they are still there. The glory of God is still so evident. I see more and more of His story and less and less of mine. That is my desire and prayer. That MY life be less and HIS story be all the more clear. No matter what that means.

What a long journey...

...from Africa to the USA. This time two weeks ago, I was actually in a taxi in Zanzibar frantically driving to the ATM trying to get money out to pay our taxi driver. Wow. Hard to believe what can happen in two weeks time. Let me recap since I've been a slacker:

- Zanzibar Island (which was amazing...make sure you check out my pictures)
- Back to Uganda for 2 days to pack up and say goodbye (miss you Renee, Jeff & Christine...amazing how you can make such great connections with people in such a short time)
- Back to Atlanta via Amsterdam (Big Mac for breakfast in Amsterdam)
- Spent some GREAT time with the Duke House roomies for 5 days. They loved on me and spoiled me rotten. I managed to play Rock Band every day for ridiculous amounts of time. Also got to visit a lot of friends from my "old job" at Buckhead/North Point. (That's weird to say!!!) Kicked it with the Passion peeps for a bit, too. I guess it doesn't really seem like former anything when those people are like family to you.
- Made the long drive to Maryland to spend an extended time with the family in Aberdeen. Which is where I am right now.

So, I'll stop bullet-pointing everything now. :O) I'm currently sitting on the bed in my room at my parents' house. It is one of 2 air-conditioned rooms in the house. Comes in handy for the days and nights when the heat index soars into the 100's. Delightful. Midi (Schmoo Bear) is passed out on the bed next to me, pretty much taking up the whole bed....she will get booted to the side here in a bit when I go to sleep.

I guess I wanted to blog because I hadn't in a while and this is one of the first times I've been able to actually blog from the site and not the old blackberry. Yes, I went and stood in line for 4 hours and bought the new iPhone 3G. Everyone knew I would, so I'm sure no one is really surprised. I'm just BUMMED SERIOUSLY to find out AT&T didn't update their international plan. So, I STILL can't use the stupid thing in Uganda. Freakin A, AT&T. We are going to have a go-around about this!!!!

Anyway, that's not what I wanted to blog about. A lot of you know that I'm in this state of "what am I doing with my life?" Just so you know, that hasn't changed. If anything, I'm more than ever at the point where I feel like I should fall on my face and say, "Jesus, I need You right now." And, that's what I'm doing. But, to be honest, I don't even know what to pray for. I came to a realization tonight that I am at a really selfish point in my life. I am selfish in my desires to want to try and understand my life, understand where I'm supposed to be, what I'm supposed to do, and on and on and on. I know I'm not alone in this. I know we all go through this time in our lives...and probably more than once. So, I know I must turn to Scripture and turn to prayer.

I was listening to a favorite song...it's a song that became a favorite this past year and is very familiar in the Passion family. Part of it says,

"Heal my heart and make it clean.
Open up my eyes to the things unseen.
Show me how to love like You have loved me.
Break my heart for what breaks Yours.
Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause,
As I walk from earth into eternity."

Everything I am...how I long to say that and yet how so far away I am. I feel broken, but not broken to the point where I feel like I can be molded. I feel completely useless and completely selfish, yet want to overcome so that my brokenness is no longer a selfish place of wanting, but a selfless place of complete hope in Jesus.

And so here I sit in Maryland. I am headed to Nashville this Friday for 6 days to reconnect with friends and do some potential job hunting. I'm also not closing any doors in Atlanta. Just trying to be open to whatever God might show me. My heart knows that I don't need to be "perfect" for God to use me. My head just needs to get back into the groove. I have a few books that I'm hoping will jump start my thinking. I'm such a thinker that is continually over-thinking, over-analyzing everything that it will be good to make my mind go through the paces. I could just use some prayer, though, as I struggle through this time.

Sorry for the long post...and for the stream of consciousness crap....if you even read this far, I should send you a blow-pop. :O)

the day after Passion Kyiv

*copying this from my other blog*

So. I’m currently on a plane to Helsinki, Finland. VERY quick layover (hope we make it....if I post this soon, we did NOT!). Then, another flight to Stockholm, Sweden. Which basically means I have come and gone from Kyiv, Ukraine. And that is all that is ridiculously crazy to me. 60+ days of intense in-your-faceocity (yes, I made a new word, Webster) and all is said and done.

Passion Kyiv. Where do I start? Let’s see. Maybe I will start with my two Kyiv best friends, Christine & Jo. (I’ll have to get pictures from them and post later.) Christine and Jo are two fabulous women who basically did everything I could not have come close to doing by myself in Kyiv. Christine is an American that has been living in Kyiv for the past 3 years with her husband and children and Jo is an Aussie who has lived in Kyiv for the past year or so. (Hope I got that right, girls!!!). I LOVE THEM. It about killed me to say goodbye to them and I must confess that it brings tears to my eyes to even write this right now. If you can develop a deep and everlasting friendship within just a few days time, we did it! I guess that’s where God steps in and says, “Hey, it’s all good...your plans are pretty lame, so I’m going to go ahead and prepare the way for you. Just chill.” So...Jo and Christine, I WILL be coming back to visit and WILL be expecting some Gloria Jean’s time. :O) Love you and miss you already.

Ok, so the actual event itself! You HAVE to check out the 268 blog. Jeremy Cowart has been taking some *ok* pictures. (pause) I mean, seriously? Ridiculous. He even did a quick “shoot” of my star tattoos the other day. I don’t know if it will make the Passion World Tour book, but who knows. Maybe one day when I’m famous, he will put it on his website. Ha ha. So, go check out the blog...there are some great stories and AMAZINGGGGGG with a capital RIDICULOUS pictures posted there.

To give you the quick background on Kyiv...when we started planning, we had NO IDEA how many people we could expect to show up. We would get mixed reactions from people. Some would say thousands would come, some would say we would be fortunate if 1000 showed up. Because it was a free event, we had no idea of knowing until the doors opened and people came in. SO...5:00 rolls around and a few hundred people are hanging outside. Praying. Preparing. Wow. 6:00, doors open and they start pouring in. By the hundreds. Still not sure what to expect, though. At 6:30, we enter into a time of prayer. Louie, the bands, our wonderful, wonderful, wonderful Kyiv leadership team, our team....an outpouring of the Spirit...just crying out to God to be THE God of Kyiv. Such a dark city, such a closed city. 6:55, we walk out to the backstage area and through the curtain. THOUSANDS have shown up. WOW. Truly, WOW. Louie posted a blog that said, “How do you say WOW in Russian?” That was literally how we felt. And they kept coming in. All in all, we had over 4,000 at Passion Kyiv last night. MORE than we could have ever expected, ever asked for, but truly what only God is capable of doing. Certainly nothing four human beings are capable of planning for, that’s for sure.

The night was a typical Passion event for those of you that have ever attended, volunteered, or just know what Passion is all about. But, it was so much more than that, too! We sang some in Russian...kudos to the guys for learning that in such a short time. You guys have my respect. Louie was translated the entire night by our friend, Oleg. What a cool guy Oleg is. I wish you all could meet him! We also took up an offering for Stockholm (the next city on the tour). Kyiv is a city that is hit hard by poverty, yet the students believed in what we were doing, what GOD is doing, the message of GRACE....they believed in that so much that they gave what they had so that another city could hear like they had. I am TRULY humbled. Truly. I know that God specifically placed me on the Kyiv team for this moment. Kyiv feels like a second home around the world and I am honored to have been a part of such an amazing journey.

So...I sit on a plane. I can’t believe it’s over. But, it is for me. For those still in Kyiv, there is much to do, much to come still. I look forward to seeing what God has brewing in such an incredible place! And I look forward to returning one day....soon!

Now, it’s on to Stockholm, Sweden, where I will be more of a staff person. I get to help with media and just be a generally helpful person. Hope I do well with the task assigned!

So...skipping ahead a few hours...I am now at the hotel in Stockholm. This is a pretty cool city, at least what I’ve seen of it. I think I might try and grab a dinner with the guys later. I had the pleasure of traveling with the “Brits” today. They are a fun bunch. :O) So, I may go eat some good food with them and then hit the ground running. By that time, the rest of the gang should be at the hotel.

Anyway, sorry to spill so much in my first update! So much to share! Hope you are along for the ride!!!!

I am really no good.

It is, by far, my favorite word.

I absolutely love the idea of God's grace. Without it, I would be SO FAR removed from anything good, lovely, pure, forgiving, exciting, redeeming, blessed, and loved. So, why is it that I so often lack the ability to extend the same, or even a fraction of the same, grace to others?

The thing is, I'm a really empathetic person. I think I am just going through this phase where I see the things going on in the world, particularly the suffering in different parts of Africa, and I have a hard time tolerating the seemingly "meaningless" nonsense of what we consider our "problems" (and, to be fair, I'm throwing mine in with that).

And, I KNOW the problems of the people I love are not meaningless. I know it. I know my problems aren't meaningless, especially to God. So, that is my confession. I want to love others better in this time and learn to be gracious. That is my prayer.