lots of changes

There are a lot of changes going on in my life right now...all good. I'm not quite ready to blog about them to the world, but if you want to know the basics, just shoot me an email and I'll tell you. :O)

What a long journey...

...from Africa to the USA. This time two weeks ago, I was actually in a taxi in Zanzibar frantically driving to the ATM trying to get money out to pay our taxi driver. Wow. Hard to believe what can happen in two weeks time. Let me recap since I've been a slacker:

- Zanzibar Island (which was amazing...make sure you check out my pictures)
- Back to Uganda for 2 days to pack up and say goodbye (miss you Renee, Jeff & Christine...amazing how you can make such great connections with people in such a short time)
- Back to Atlanta via Amsterdam (Big Mac for breakfast in Amsterdam)
- Spent some GREAT time with the Duke House roomies for 5 days. They loved on me and spoiled me rotten. I managed to play Rock Band every day for ridiculous amounts of time. Also got to visit a lot of friends from my "old job" at Buckhead/North Point. (That's weird to say!!!) Kicked it with the Passion peeps for a bit, too. I guess it doesn't really seem like former anything when those people are like family to you.
- Made the long drive to Maryland to spend an extended time with the family in Aberdeen. Which is where I am right now.

So, I'll stop bullet-pointing everything now. :O) I'm currently sitting on the bed in my room at my parents' house. It is one of 2 air-conditioned rooms in the house. Comes in handy for the days and nights when the heat index soars into the 100's. Delightful. Midi (Schmoo Bear) is passed out on the bed next to me, pretty much taking up the whole bed....she will get booted to the side here in a bit when I go to sleep.

I guess I wanted to blog because I hadn't in a while and this is one of the first times I've been able to actually blog from the site and not the old blackberry. Yes, I went and stood in line for 4 hours and bought the new iPhone 3G. Everyone knew I would, so I'm sure no one is really surprised. I'm just BUMMED SERIOUSLY to find out AT&T didn't update their international plan. So, I STILL can't use the stupid thing in Uganda. Freakin A, AT&T. We are going to have a go-around about this!!!!

Anyway, that's not what I wanted to blog about. A lot of you know that I'm in this state of "what am I doing with my life?" Just so you know, that hasn't changed. If anything, I'm more than ever at the point where I feel like I should fall on my face and say, "Jesus, I need You right now." And, that's what I'm doing. But, to be honest, I don't even know what to pray for. I came to a realization tonight that I am at a really selfish point in my life. I am selfish in my desires to want to try and understand my life, understand where I'm supposed to be, what I'm supposed to do, and on and on and on. I know I'm not alone in this. I know we all go through this time in our lives...and probably more than once. So, I know I must turn to Scripture and turn to prayer.

I was listening to a favorite song...it's a song that became a favorite this past year and is very familiar in the Passion family. Part of it says,

"Heal my heart and make it clean.
Open up my eyes to the things unseen.
Show me how to love like You have loved me.
Break my heart for what breaks Yours.
Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause,
As I walk from earth into eternity."

Everything I am...how I long to say that and yet how so far away I am. I feel broken, but not broken to the point where I feel like I can be molded. I feel completely useless and completely selfish, yet want to overcome so that my brokenness is no longer a selfish place of wanting, but a selfless place of complete hope in Jesus.

And so here I sit in Maryland. I am headed to Nashville this Friday for 6 days to reconnect with friends and do some potential job hunting. I'm also not closing any doors in Atlanta. Just trying to be open to whatever God might show me. My heart knows that I don't need to be "perfect" for God to use me. My head just needs to get back into the groove. I have a few books that I'm hoping will jump start my thinking. I'm such a thinker that is continually over-thinking, over-analyzing everything that it will be good to make my mind go through the paces. I could just use some prayer, though, as I struggle through this time.

Sorry for the long post...and for the stream of consciousness crap....if you even read this far, I should send you a blow-pop. :O)

one of the hardest things...

...I've had to ever experience happened today. It seems so silly, but it's ripping my heart out right now. My parents just took their oldest dog, Gabe, to be put to sleep. Gabe was my buddy. I got him as a senior in high school and we were inseparable for the few years after that I attended community college and lived with them off and on. Every time I would visit, it was like we were never apart. So, I feel like I've lost a best friend today...and it's even harder not being there, knowing how terribly hard this is on my parents.

Why do animals grab hold of our hearts so viciously? For the past two days that I've known it might happen, I've been a crying mess which is not the typical me. My mom just sent me an email and said that it was done. I told her yesterday that I didn't want her to call me because I knew I wouldn't be able to talk to her without becoming a blobbering mess...and she didn't need that on top of dealing with her own emotions. So, it is over. I keep remembering all the fun times Gabe and I had together...he was such a great dog and did the funniest things, so I have the best memories...which I guess is what is making it so tough to deal with.

Anyway, this post is just my way of spilling my emotion so I can hopefully stop being a basketcase. Sorry to be a debbie downer today. In honor of Gabe...a great dog and buddy...

snow in maryland...

...is not like snow in Atlanta. This is after 30 minutes of "flurries".


Stay tuned for later pictures. (Yeah, I took the picture through a screened window. So what.)

A few more pics to add...




So, we didn't get a ton of snow (few inches)...but, it was pretty.

lift high

It's been a tough day after a pretty tough week. Just a lot of wrestling with stuff and uncertainty about some things. Boring details aside, I found myself sick yesterday from the vaccinations I needed for Kenya. I knew it could happen, but hoped it wouldn't. It did. And that was on top of a migraine that was lasting 5+ days. So, I ended up staying in Franklin an extra day so I wouldn't have to drive feeling that way.

I left around 8 this morning so that I would have plenty of time to get home and get rested for work this evening. Shortly into my drive, I decided to get the update on my aunt from my mom. The call I had been dreading getting ended up being the call I placed. My aunt passed away early this morning in a very peaceful state.

Anyway, with all of that going on and hearing about my aunt today, I have been in this state of ambiguity when it comes to my emotions. (Can you BE in a state of ambiguity? Let me know if you can't....I'd like to know if my wording is correct.) I have these moments of clarity when I think I have it all figured out, but then I found myself even more confounded than before.

Tonight, I was a little late getting into the worship service. I had thought about sitting upstairs in the CLOSED balcony where I could be by myself and maybe do some work, just chill, listen to the message, etc., but Nicole had saved me a seat downstairs. So, by the time I got in there, I missed the happy happy joy joy song (which I probably could have used). Instead, I walked in just as Chrystina started singing one of my favorite new songs called Lift High (on Steve Fee's record, Eddie Kirkland wrote it). You can hear it here: or hear Eddie sing it on the new North Point Live CD, Louder than Creation, which should be on the webstore anyday.

The imagery of this song spoke to me tonight and allowed me to see things a little bit more clearly, even if only for a moment. I saw peace and I experienced grace. I'm not sure I got any answers to the personal issues going on, but maybe my answers don't need to come right now.

when you know.

Just before Thanksgiving, my mom told me that my aunt (her oldest sister) had just found out that her cancer had begun to spread all throughout her body and that she probably wouldn't have much more time left to live...maybe 6 months or so. When she told me, I wasn't sure what to do with the information.

I just talked to my mom and she said they had to take my aunt to a hospice care facility today. Her whole family was there, waiting to hear what was going on. What happened to the 6 months?

Growing up, I spent a lot of time with my Aunt Ginny. She's 13 years older than my mom and helped raise my mom (there were 8 kids) and definitely served as a surrogate grandmother for me. My grandmother died when I was pretty young and was sick most of the time that I remember her. I used to go to school with Aunt Ginny and help get her classroom set up every summer (she was a teacher)...I always looked up to her. She would give me all of her old teaching materials so that I could go back to my house and "teach" my stuffed animals.

So, all of this...I don't know what to do with it.

The beautiful thing about this Thanksgiving is that I was able to spend it with her. My dad, mom and I went to my cousin's house and had Thanksgiving dinner with their whole family. It may be the last time I ever see my Aunt Ginny. What do I do with that?

congrats to my dad, the new mayor of aberdeen!

Well, the voters have spoken. My dad is the new Mayor of Aberdeen, Maryland. What a crazy ride it was. I think they still have to tally the absentee ballots, but it was a large enough win that it shouldn't have any effect. Here's a Baltimore newscast from earlier this evening.

Good job, Daddy-O! I'm SO proud of you for putting up with all the nonsense the other guy threw your way and not stooping to his level by giving it back. Thank you for being honest, responsible, and respectful. I know you will use your new position for the good of the community and not for evil. I'm sure the citizens of Aberdeen will be better off with you in office. I will continue to pray for you as you step into this new role. You rock!!!

Cheesy Mayor pose...