i hate it when....

...I am called out. Dang. And, this isn't the first time. Another friend said something to me a couple of months ago that I seemingly brushed off, but has continued to tap, tap, tap me on the shoulder. I don't remember her exact words, but it was something along the lines of (or at least I took it as....) "you are a closed book". Ouch. (And, if you are reading this, very good friend of mine, know that it's one of those "pulling the band-aid off" kind of ouch's. Not the "you just stabbed me" kind of ouch's). But, ouch nonetheless.

Authenticity. Yikes. I'm not even sure where to start. Here's the thing. To address my friend's comment (and this is what I said to her at the time), I don't think that I'm holding anything back. I don't think there are things that I keep from others. Well, at least I didn't think there were. Once I start thinking about authentic living, though, I start to realize that it may not be about holding things back or keeping things from others....it may just be about me being me all the time. Not being the work me around the work people, the bizzle around my friends, the good daughter around my parents, etc. etc. I think a lot of me overlaps, which is great. But, a lot of me stays in nice little compartments and doesn't want to come out and play at all times.

I am starting to see movement, though. Working at Buckhead Church has opened up my eyes to being more authentic in the work environment. At first, I thought working at a church again would mean that I'd have to act a little better....be a little different...and, honestly, I have been and it's been a good thing. I needed to make some changes in my life. But, I've also come to see that I can just be me....flaws and all. That's the beauty of grace. I know that in the growing process, I am already redeemed. That's pretty amazing.

God and I are good. But, then we come back to me and others. I still struggle with the idea of whether I am holding back. Maybe I am just shallow and have nothing else to share with the world. But, I don't think that's really it. If it is, though, at least I can work on that. If my problem is authenticity, then I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to be the person that just says "great" when asked how I'm doing. I mean, if I AM great, that's great. But, what if I'm not great? Or, what if I'm doing wonderfully in life....how do I communicate that to others without being the oversharing freak that I can't stand?

To be completely honest (breathe, Michele, breathe), I don't know if there is anyone in this world that I have ever shared every hope and dream with, besides my Mom. I'm not even sure I've shared everything with her, for fear that she might start to worry too much....although she's probably heard way more than she's probably ever wanted to hear. (Love you, Mom...and thanks!)

The idea of other people knowing my hopes, desires, fears, struggles, heart aches, though....yikes. It sounds so abstract, but when I think about the actual concept of telling someone when I am going through something so emotionally troubling that all I can do is sit in my car and listen to the saddest song I know to play....I'm not sure I like this concept of authenticity. But, I want to give it a try and see what it's like. It's just that I have this issue with vulnerability. I have always been a bit on the independent side (only child syndrome?), so I have just naturally dealt with things myself....and I guess kept things to myself.

Dang. I think this is going to take a while to figure out.

So...if you think there will be ANY resolution to this blog AT ALL, think again...I gotta chew on this for a while. And I welcome any comments, thoughts, etc....